Collision course

In an earlier post about responsibilities, DrDoyenne commented:

It's also important to realize that PI and trainee may not be compatible because of personality, work-ethic, and other differences. Neither need be in the wrong...just different. I read about many incompatible relationships in science blogs (usually written by the trainees), and the blame seems to be dumped on the PI. There are certainly bad mentors, but more often it may be simple incompatibility or a failure on the part of the trainee to understand why the PI is so hard on them.

I have been thinking recently of how true this observation is and how I have seen it play out in my relatively short time in science.

The transition into my postdoc has been a difficult one, and recent weeks have been particularly trying. Earlier in the month, I was exchanging emails with Bear over revisions for a manuscript resubmission. At some point, I made a comment about my frustration. I was a bit surprised a few days later--after having gone through a couple of more rounds of emails regarding the manuscript--to receive a message from Bear saying he was sorry to hear that I was having a tough time, but he thought that most postdocs do. He went on to briefly share his own experience of being a postdoc, worrying about not publishing, and ultimately deciding to pursue own interests, even if it meant "working on the side". I had already decided that this is what I should do, but that email provided additional impetus and encouragement.

Regarding that email, I tweeted*: As crazy as he drove me sometimes, I am really fond of my grad adviser. He continues to provide encouragement and advice. LadyScientist replied: That's really rare. And priceless. Sounds like you had a good one.

This brought a wry smile to my face because I daresay some who were in Bear's lab would debate that--vehemently. Hell, even I might have debated it at some point.

Too often, trainees have an unreasonable expectation for (a) consistent application of the same standards across all trainees, (b) rational behavior uninfluenced by emotional state, (c) consistent, professional, and formal mentoring. I know this because at some point, I had these naive, idealistic ideas. I have a feeling that this rarely happens. Let's face it, as much as we like to depict them as strange, otherworldly creatures at times, PIs are people too. They have unique personalities and styles, which don't always mesh with those of their trainees.

It took me some time to figure out a few important things about Bear's style. Bear expected his trainees to be independent. But he expected more out of those who were highly self-motivated and committed. There were times he was pretty aggressive with certain trainees during meetings. Some people would respond defensively. Others would just shut down. At times, I would get pretty upset and angry, but I tried not to react on those emotions. It was particularly frustrating, though, when he let others slide. I eventually came to realize that when he nailed me to the proverbial wall in a meeting or landed a snarky comment, it was because he expected more out of me. Bear pushed those who would respond (eventually) in a productive manner--that is those who would go search the literature or design and execute the experiment to address the question, knowing if he asked it again, we would have an answer. I learned that I should not take his affronts as personal insults. I would still feel that initial, primal reaction, but I no longer let it stick around for days. Because of his style, Bear forced me into situations that required me to think for myself. His personality forced me to be sure of myself and to display confidence even when I didn't feel it. I left his lab with a level of independence and confidence that, when I started grad school, I could not have imagined possessing. Some of Bear's personality traits that drove me crazy were what helped me become that strong, independent scientist, and realizing this allowed me to leave with an amiable relationship with my Ph.D. mentor.

Of course, now I have a new personality to contend with. Guru has presented a unique challenge. He is pretty damn impossible to read because he is so reserved. On a couple of occasions, he has called me out (one-on-one) because I seemed less than thrilled about something. Guru is also much more involved in research--not to the extent of working in the lab himself, but being very involved in experimental planning and design. I recently realized this is one reason that I have been frustrated about research: It is difficult for me to identify my intellectual contribution to my project because it was defined in such detail when I started. Some people would consider having a defined research plan a good thing. I'm not opposed to having a research plan, but I also like having some latitude within that plan or the ability to pursue a 'side project' of interest. There are many good arguments on both sides (i.e. defined plan vs. letting a trainee sort it out on his or her own or single project vs. multiple projects), but it largely boils down to differences in style and personality. Just as it did with Bear, it has taken me some time to define certain elements of Guru's style. I have also realized that I have been much more timid in my interactions with Guru than I ever was with Bear. My hope is that I can use this knowledge to find some compromise that will work for both our personalities. Otherwise I fear I will end up (a) working on something I'm not particularly invested in, (b) losing some of my fire for research, (c) butting heads with Guru during my remaining time in his lab, or (d) some combination of the three.

* Don't worry, PhysioProf, I know how you feel about Twitter.